I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
