hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
