Need sex. Gaining weight.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
