gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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