So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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