My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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