I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
