I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
...so i touched it.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Randomize
