I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
