forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
