Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
