Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
