I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
