Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
