she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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