I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Randomize
