I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
