glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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