Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
don't judge my taste in strippers
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
