My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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