Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
