I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
4 words: hood of his car
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize