im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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