I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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