Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize