you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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