I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize