I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Non-Jews are for practice
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
is wine microwaveable?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
