Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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