im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
