I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
