After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
