I'm jealous of your bromance
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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