Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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