when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
