sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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