Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
