Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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