I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
