It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
