i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
