I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
