smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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