don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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