I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
