why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
