if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
