It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
