that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
