I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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