It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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