Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
