I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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