i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
