Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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