8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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