Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
