Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
