Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
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